Hiya, Baxter here.
Poor old Funky has been in the wars again! Pneumonia this time. I think it's time they put he old bugger to sleep. He is completly knackered and nothing but a burden on the rest of society. The only thing he has going for him is he manages to keep half of Bedfords medical services in full employment.
Talking of medical services. He tells me there was a Ugandan woman in the bed opposite who had been on hunger strike in Yarls Wood immigration detention centre. This woman had two guards at her bedside 24 hours a day plus a social worker and a detainees friend who's main job seemed to be to be to 'nip up te shop' for this person. The 'dying duck' charade was carried out with some skill until such time as her bedside phone would ring when she suddenly mustered enough strengh to engage into animated conversation. When the call had reached it's conclusion ms Duck would then return to a state of taupor. This is a person who has never contributed anything to our country yet gets trated like royalty. On the other hand a lady of some 87 years could get no help to look after herself in her own home because she had over £3000 in the bank. Has the whole world gone mad?? T'is time our government paid more attention to our own people.
On a more serious note. It has been reported in todays Sunday paper that a crazed bat has been attacking people in and around Harrold in Bedfordshire. One of the first victims was Martha Costello, who was out walking one evening, with her feet, when the winged terror came swooping out of the sky and told her that the planet was about to be struck by a gigantic space cabbage called Colin. It then flew off, cackling hysterically and leaving a distraught Miss Costello in tears. In another incident, the bat leapt out from behind a bus shelter and accosted thirty-two-year-old Danny Fellows on his way to work. The bat made him watch as it performed a number of Billy Joel's greatest hits, and forced him to join in on the chorus of Piano Man, before finishing up with a novelty knife throwing act. Luckily the man was able to escape before the encore.
"This animal is extremely dangerous," said Sergeant Derek Nmmmmby of the local constabulary, "and on no account should anyone attempt to approach it. Although, having said that, if the opportunity arises to twat the lunatic creature, go for it. It will save us a job."
Roscoe here
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